Love Is All Around Or Is It?
by luva of timetravel
Summary: One-shot. If you're feeling depressed, bored to tears or just in the mood for a laugh, then read this! I guarantee that you'll be rolling around on the floor in hysterics by the end of this!


Hermione screamed with pure ecstasy.

"OH MY GOD! YOU GOT ME THAT FLUFFY BUNNY THAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED! THANK YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUU SO MUCH RON!" She cried as she pounced on him and started making out with him passionately. Ron, who was in total shock, eventually responded, until a certain someone walked in.

"HERMIONE! HOW COULD YOU?!" Hermione looked up from snogging Ron to find Draco Malfoy staring at her with a look of pure rage on his face "HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON ME WITH THE WEASEL? AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, IS THAT IT?! Well fine!" he yelled before storming off. As Malfoy stomped down the fifth floor corridor, he collided with Ginny Weasley.

"Oh, hello, Ginny, fancy meeting you here" he said with a huge grin on his face. Ginny stared at him innocently.

"I didn't do it on purpose Malfoy. I mean, I do like you, but I …"

"Oh, don't worry. Let's just snog" and so they did. For five hours solid.

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"You're too big to fit in here … too big to fit in here … too big to fit in here! Uh yeah baby!"       McGonagall sang. Snape and Dumbledore were watching her worriedly.

"Minerva, are you feeling alright?" Snape asked.

"Oh yes, I'm just finally getting some at last. Do you want to know who?"

"Not really"

"Oh, well, I'll tell you anyway. He's sitting right next to you" Snape's eyes widened as he turned to look at Dumbledore. He shuffled in his seat as far away from the Headmaster as possible.

"Don't be ridiculous, Severus."

"That's disgusting! I-you-IN THIS SCHOOL?!" He cried. Dumbledore and McGonagall both blushed and Snape began to gag.

"I think I'm going to be sick," he muttered weakly before throwing up all over his robes.

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Pansy Parkinson sat at the Slytherin table with the expression on her face like a lovesick puppy. Crabbe, Goyle, Malfoy, and Blaise Zabini all watched her curiously.

"Pansy, are you okay?" Zabini asked concernedly "You've been spaced out for over an hour"

"Huh? Wha-? I'm sorry, did you say something?"

"Yeah, you've spaced out for over an hour. Want to share with us what's wrong?" Pansy blushed bright red and giggled.

"Well … I have a crush on someone," she said in high-pitched girly voice "and I think he's really fit!"

Malfoy smirked, it was him obviously.

"Who is it?" Crabbe asked. Pansy let out a long dreamy sigh before saying.

"Professor Snape." All of the Slytherins, who had been drinking, either spat their drink out or choked on it.

"You're bloody well kidding me!" Zabini exclaimed.

"No … don't you think he's wonderful? I mean … the greasy hair, the hooked nose, the knowledge at Potions … he's truly amazing, isn't he?" All of the Slytherins looked like they were going to be sick as all the colour drained from their faces "Do you want to know the best thing? He's a man! That means he's got a really big thing … down there" she said, pointing to her lower half.

"EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Honestly though, he's so sexy, I wish he noticed me" she said sadly "I really really like him"

"I'll help you Pansy" Hermione said, stopping by the Slytherin table and smiling warmly at Parkinson. Pansy looked delighted.

"You will?"

"Yes, of course!"

Pansy leapt up and hugged Hermione.

"Thank you so much Mudblood! I'll pay you back soon, I promise! Now …onto getting Snape to like me," she said wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. Hermione suddenly became apprehensive. Was her volunteering to help such a good idea?

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"Man … I feel like a woman!" Ginny sang, beginning to dance around the Great Hall and getting hot "Wow, this is hard work, I think I'll just do a tit flash for all you sexy guys out there! Especially you Draco Malfoy! You may be a complete asshole and I may hate you more than life itself, but you are one hell of a sexy ass!" Ginny said with a grin. Malfoy merely grinned back and winked at her.

"Well Weasley, nice tits" he called out. Ginny stuck her tongue out at him.

"GINNY WEASLEY! WHY ARE YOU FLASHING IN FRONT OF MALFOY OF ALL PEOPLE?!" Harry bellowed, storming over to Ginny and glaring angrily at her.

"Oh, Harry, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to upset you … I tell you what, I'll let you do whatever you want with me, okay? Will that make you feel any better?" Harry broke into a wide smile.

"Hell yeah! Okay, Ginny Weasley, you, me, boys' dormitories NOW!" He yelled, grabbing her arm and hauling her out of the Great Hall. Malfoy and Ginny shared a knowing look. She'd rather be with a Malfoy than a Potter any day.

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"Hello Professor Snape" Pansy purred on seeing her Potions master brewing a Potion (duh, what else would he be doing?). Snape looked up, inclined his head slightly to show he'd heard Pansy, then carried on adding ingredients to the cauldron.

"Professor, can I help you with that?" Pansy asked, putting on a little pout, which she hoped, would make him agree. Snape shook his head.

"No, Miss. Parkinson, you can not. This Potion is very hard to make and if one thing goes wrong, then I have to start all over again, which I am not willing to do" Pansy sniffed.

"Oh … but Professor …"

"No buts! Out of my class! Now!"

"But I want to help! I really like you … oops!" she whispered as she clapped her hands over her mouth. Without even glancing back, she ran from the room before Snape could say anything.

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"Ooh Ginny … your lips are so luscious. I could just eat them"

"EW! You are NOT eating my lips Harry James Potter! I need them to talk"

"Oh right"

"That means no nibbling" she retorted irritably.

"Sorry"

"Quit it and GET YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM MY TOP!" She shrieked, looking furious.

"But—"

"I'd rather be with Malfoy than you Harry, you're hopeless at any kind of romantic relationships. Why do you think I broke up with you right after I saw the size of your thing?"

"I can try and get it bigger. I know a spell—"

"Harry, I give up. I don't like you in that way or even want you! I'm sorry, but we're officially over" she told him, before storming off.

Malfoy was outside Gryffindor Tower with his arms crossed over his chest waiting patiently for Ginny to arrive.

"About time too" he said with a smirk "I've been waiting ages!"

"Try telling Harry that he can't do a thing right in romantic relationships and I'll pay you ten galleons" she retorted. Malfoy grinned.

"Are you asking me to?"

"No"

"Well, Ginny, what are we waiting for? Let's get this show on the road" he said as he leaned in and snogged her.

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"IIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALLLLLLLLLWAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYSSSSS LOOOOOOOOOOVVVVE YOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU!" (I will always love you!) Pansy screamed from the dungeons. She'd sung it so loudly that everyone in the Great Hall and Gryffindor Tower had heard it. Snape burst out from the dungeons, looking furious. Couldn't anyone keep quiet whilst he was brewing a Potion?

"Oh, hello Professor Snape, sir. You look very … nice today" Pansy said, almost timidly. Snape glared at her.

"Miss. Parkinson, when you've quite finished these ridiculous songs, I would like to get on with my work" It was then that, quite suddenly, Pansy broke down in tears, causing Snape to watch his student apprehensively.

"Your work is more important than … than … than ME! I thought you LOVED me! You BASTARD!" She screamed as the tears began to fall faster and her crying grew louder. Snape was absolutely terrified. He'd never seen a Slytherin cry before.

"Um … I …"

Pansy looked at him hopefully.

"Yes?"

"I need to get back to work," he said, somewhat awkwardly as he shuffled his feet "I'll see you in class" he muttered.

"NO! PLEASE, TAKE ME WITH YOU!" She cried, throwing herself at her Professor "I LOVE YOU SIR. TAKE ME!" Snape was now, utterly terrified of his student. She was scaring him more than Dumbledore and McGonagall put together and that was saying something.

"Miss. Parkinson, when you're quite finished, could you let go of my robes?" he barked. Pansy looked up at him in awe.

"God, I love it when you act all dominant" Pansy whispered, staring at her Professor with googly eyes. Snape took a step away from her with icy eyes.

"I don't know what's wrong with you, Miss. Parkinson, but I suggest you snap out of it quick, unless you want to be punished" Pansy gasped and stared at him with wide eyes.

"Punished?" she questioned. Snape nodded, looking stern.

"Oh, oh" she squeaked "Does my hair look okay?" she asked desperately "because I can go and fix it up for you if you don't like it the way it is" she told him earnestly.

Snape merely raised an eyebrow.

"Whatever. I couldn't care less what your hair looks like," he snapped, before retreating to the dungeons to finish his Potions. Pansy giggled madly. She had him now.

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Ginny and Malfoy broke apart from their crazed snogging session, smiling all the while.

"You know, you're not so bad Weasley, it's a shame you come from such a poor family."

"Really? Well, sod my family. I couldn't care less what status it is. I just hope I can stay with you and your family. They're so much damn cooler than my family anyway" Malfoy chuckled softly.

"I wouldn't say that"

"I would. I mean, at least you're an only child"

"True"

"Oh, kiss me again, Draco!"

"Okay" and with that said, he kissed her again.

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"Oh my god. He. Is. So. Fit!" Hermione screamed, pointing at Harry "I want him with my collection of fit guys!" Harry watched her uncertainly.

"Harry, kiss me, please! I want you," she whispered seductively.

"Uh, Hermione, I'm flattered, but …"

"KISS ME NOW OR FEEL MY WRATH!" She shouted, her eyes narrowing dangerously. Harry gulped and quickly did what he was told.

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"Professor Snape?" Pansy whispered seductively. Snape sighed in irritation, then looked up. His jaw dropped when he saw what Pansy was wearing. She was wearing a black silky see-through nightdress with a black lacy bra.

"Uh … Miss. Parkinson, what are you wearing?" he asked cautiously.

"Oh, this? It's nothing"

"Yes, I can see that" he barked, looking uncomfortable. Pansy tutted.

"I don't think you can" she replied, beginning to take off her nightdress. Snape's face turned to one of horror as he clamped his hands over his eyes.

"Ah! My eyes! NOOOOOOOOOOO! I'm going to be scarred for life!"

"Professor, are you alright?"

"No, just go! Now!"

"But what if I don't?"

"Then I will assign you detention with Filch"

"Oh, Filch? Is that the best you can do? Too scared to face me yourself? Come on _Severus, _you know you want me! Don't deny it. Just go with it!" she taunted, and with that said, she flung herself at him and began to snog him senseless, until bubbling could be heard. Snape broke away and stared with horror as the Potion began to overflow down the hallways.

"Oh god no! Oh, what have you done?"

"Me? You seemed more than happy to oblige to my advance!" Pansy retorted hotly.

"Hmmm …true, but still … THE POTION!"

"Oh, who cares?"

"Yes, you're right. It's not for me anyway, it's for the werewolf"

"Oh right, Lupin, yeah?"

"No, another werewolf"

"What werewolf?"

A low growl could be heard coming from his doorway.

"Is that your stomach, Severus?" Pansy asked. Snape shook his head.

"No … I …" The growling seemed to get louder and both Pansy and Snape froze.

"Oh. My. God! It's a werewolf!"

"Well, aren't you the clever one?" Snape rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"There's no way out! We're going to DIIIIEEEE! Severus … Professor … DO SOMETHING!" Suddenly, the door flung open and both Snape and Pansy screamed like girls.

"Ah ha, gotcha! Ha! You thought I was a werewolf! It's not even the full moon!" Lupin said, his voice full of amusement, he walked off, laughing his head off.

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Ron watched Malfoy and Ginny snogging, his temper rising until it hit boiling point. He drew out a dagger and ran forward, he let out a loud cry.

"AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! DIE MALFOY! DIE! GET YOUR DISGUSTING HANDS OFF OF MY SISTER!!!!" He bellowed, attempting to stab Malfoy. Ginny screamed and ran forward.

"NO!" She cried as the dagger pierced straight through her heart. Ron's eyes widened in horror.

"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!" Both Malfoy and Ron screamed as Ginny fell to the floor, coughing and spluttering, blood seeping through her clothes.

"Malfoy … I just want you to know … I love you" she whispered, then she turned her angry gaze to Ron "I just want YOU to know that I always thought you were a jerk and this proves it! I HATE YOU!" She screamed as her entire body went limp as she died.

"GINNY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ron cried as he burst into noisy tears "My baby sister is dead. I killed her. Oh god!" he gasped and pulled out a gun "Goodbye, cruel world!" he yelled to the heavens above, before pulling the trigger. Both Weasley's were dead. Malfoy burst out laughing.

"Wow, I didn't even have to try to kill either of them. They did it themselves. God I'm good!" he said as he whistled a merry tune and walked off.


End file.
